It feels like it has been forever since I posted a blog. I had intentions of posting something everyday when my son first left for his deployment. It is strange though, but I actually find myself writing about it less and less as it goes on longer and longer. It is with mixed reasons why I have done less.
Today marks 4 months since I last saw him in person. I don't usually do well past the 4 month mark. I haven't ever gone over 5 1/2 months without seeing him. Uncharted territory will son be upon me with how I hold it together the longer this deployment goes.
I haven't had anything longer than about 20 seconds with him on the phone since back in November. On January 28th I did hear his voice, but again, it was barely for 20 to 30 seconds. I do get him in a Facebook chat often though. He himself hasn't shared pics, or done the whole Skype thing. That sorta frustrates me, but I am thankful to have seen pics of him and his area from other Soldiers with him that I have as friends on Facebook.
On my birthday I saw the first pic of him with a weapon. He has been in the Army for nearly 3 years now and this was the first time seeing that. It was very emotional for me. I had a few friends comment that it "made it real"....well ya, but for me it has been real since day one. You can't fake and pretend that your baby isn't in a war zone. I know how they sorta mean it, but it is always a statement that hits me funny. Those that aren't personally connected to the Military don't tend to see things the way those of us who are see them.
I have had some of my friends be extremely generous and donate things to my son and his platoon. I am so thankful for all that they have done. On the other hand, I am so disappointed at some of the people/groups who haven't done anything for him and his platoon. I am having a tough time not being bitter about that. So many folks are all talk in that area....they don't really follow thru with recognizing and remembering our Troops. Again, it doesn't personally effect them.
Sleeping some nights is a struggle. Other nights it isn't.
It seems no matter how insignificant the holiday is, any holiday makes me cry and miss him extra more.
The National Anthem at noon on my favorite radio station makes me cry every time I hear it.
Here goes some truth...I don't share this with anyone...well guess that is changing right now, in the back of mind nearly every day is the worry of hearing bad news. Every day. It is unexplainable I think to someone who hasn't or isn't experiencing it for themselves, but it is a nagging weighing stress feeling thing on my mind constantly. When I leave Town I will actually think about what if the Army needed to reach me or find me, could they? How long could something be wrong and I wouldn't know? If something was really serious, would they contact us here at home? Would they go to my husbands place of work first?
You all can tell me not to worry. Yes, thank you for that advice and that tip. IT DOES NO GOOD! Please stop saying it. Instead maybe just offer a hug and let me know that you are there to talk if I need it. Let me know that you appreciate the sacrifices our Army families make every day. Telling me not to worry is like slapping me in the face. He is our baby. He is our son. Of course I am going to worry.
I used to log in several times a day to an online group of Army Moms. The group is supposed to be for support. I find I go in there less and less too. I want to reach thru the computer and shake the one's who are in there complaining about not seeing their child who is just a few states away! Or I want to yell and say shut up to the ones who are beginning BCT and whine about the food and over working hours their child complains to them about. I forget I was once that Mom, but right now I am not. I am a Mom whose son is in harms way 24/7. Wait til you are in these shoes, then you will look back and laugh at what you once thought was the biggest worry.
So wow, guess I still have things to say. I always have things to say, I just wonder if I have anyone wanting to hear them.
Always hoping and praying for the safety of all of our Soldiers.
Much love to you and your family,
Faith
