It feels like it has been forever since I posted a blog. I had intentions of posting something everyday when my son first left for his deployment. It is strange though, but I actually find myself writing about it less and less as it goes on longer and longer. It is with mixed reasons why I have done less.
Today marks 4 months since I last saw him in person. I don't usually do well past the 4 month mark. I haven't ever gone over 5 1/2 months without seeing him. Uncharted territory will son be upon me with how I hold it together the longer this deployment goes.
I haven't had anything longer than about 20 seconds with him on the phone since back in November. On January 28th I did hear his voice, but again, it was barely for 20 to 30 seconds. I do get him in a Facebook chat often though. He himself hasn't shared pics, or done the whole Skype thing. That sorta frustrates me, but I am thankful to have seen pics of him and his area from other Soldiers with him that I have as friends on Facebook.
On my birthday I saw the first pic of him with a weapon. He has been in the Army for nearly 3 years now and this was the first time seeing that. It was very emotional for me. I had a few friends comment that it "made it real"....well ya, but for me it has been real since day one. You can't fake and pretend that your baby isn't in a war zone. I know how they sorta mean it, but it is always a statement that hits me funny. Those that aren't personally connected to the Military don't tend to see things the way those of us who are see them.
I have had some of my friends be extremely generous and donate things to my son and his platoon. I am so thankful for all that they have done. On the other hand, I am so disappointed at some of the people/groups who haven't done anything for him and his platoon. I am having a tough time not being bitter about that. So many folks are all talk in that area....they don't really follow thru with recognizing and remembering our Troops. Again, it doesn't personally effect them.
Sleeping some nights is a struggle. Other nights it isn't.
It seems no matter how insignificant the holiday is, any holiday makes me cry and miss him extra more.
The National Anthem at noon on my favorite radio station makes me cry every time I hear it.
Here goes some truth...I don't share this with anyone...well guess that is changing right now, in the back of mind nearly every day is the worry of hearing bad news. Every day. It is unexplainable I think to someone who hasn't or isn't experiencing it for themselves, but it is a nagging weighing stress feeling thing on my mind constantly. When I leave Town I will actually think about what if the Army needed to reach me or find me, could they? How long could something be wrong and I wouldn't know? If something was really serious, would they contact us here at home? Would they go to my husbands place of work first?
You all can tell me not to worry. Yes, thank you for that advice and that tip. IT DOES NO GOOD! Please stop saying it. Instead maybe just offer a hug and let me know that you are there to talk if I need it. Let me know that you appreciate the sacrifices our Army families make every day. Telling me not to worry is like slapping me in the face. He is our baby. He is our son. Of course I am going to worry.
I used to log in several times a day to an online group of Army Moms. The group is supposed to be for support. I find I go in there less and less too. I want to reach thru the computer and shake the one's who are in there complaining about not seeing their child who is just a few states away! Or I want to yell and say shut up to the ones who are beginning BCT and whine about the food and over working hours their child complains to them about. I forget I was once that Mom, but right now I am not. I am a Mom whose son is in harms way 24/7. Wait til you are in these shoes, then you will look back and laugh at what you once thought was the biggest worry.
So wow, guess I still have things to say. I always have things to say, I just wonder if I have anyone wanting to hear them.
Always hoping and praying for the safety of all of our Soldiers.
Much love to you and your family,
Faith
Monday, March 4, 2013
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Christmas during deployment
So the holiday has come and gone. Wish I could say mine was filled with everything I had hoped for. Wish I could say that I was surrounded by all of my family and friends. Wish that I could say I was filled with the Christmas spirit.
In all the days leading up to his deployment date and right up to Christmas Day I had never entertained the idea that I would not at the very least be able to wish him a Merry Christmas on the day in some form. It didn't happen though. I went to bed Christmas night with such a heavy heart. As a parent I just never thought that I wouldn't be wishing my youngest son a Merry Christmas.
Of course I know that he knows we love and miss him and that we thought of him non-stop all during the holiday. It just isn't the same though. I feel cheated out of such a simple wish....to say to your child, "I wish you a Merry Christmas." Uggghhhhh. The simple thing to many I know shouldn't be upsetting me so, but it did.
It offered a really big lesson. I never really gave such a gesture the worth that it really deserves. Being able to tell my son yesterday, "Merry Christmas" would have been priceless.
I did have a day with some memories, some laughs, and for sure found pleasure in seeing other family members. Christmas 2012 though will be one that I will not ever forget.
Lots of love to you, your Soldier, and your families,
Faith
In all the days leading up to his deployment date and right up to Christmas Day I had never entertained the idea that I would not at the very least be able to wish him a Merry Christmas on the day in some form. It didn't happen though. I went to bed Christmas night with such a heavy heart. As a parent I just never thought that I wouldn't be wishing my youngest son a Merry Christmas.
Of course I know that he knows we love and miss him and that we thought of him non-stop all during the holiday. It just isn't the same though. I feel cheated out of such a simple wish....to say to your child, "I wish you a Merry Christmas." Uggghhhhh. The simple thing to many I know shouldn't be upsetting me so, but it did.
It offered a really big lesson. I never really gave such a gesture the worth that it really deserves. Being able to tell my son yesterday, "Merry Christmas" would have been priceless.
I did have a day with some memories, some laughs, and for sure found pleasure in seeing other family members. Christmas 2012 though will be one that I will not ever forget.
Lots of love to you, your Soldier, and your families,
Faith
Monday, December 17, 2012
Tragedy in CT
I like all of you heard the first reports of the shootings in CT while going about my everyday normal events on Friday. I listened with maybe half my attention at first. The news channel was my background noise as it is most days while doing my daily chores. When that image came across the screen of those little children leaving the school with their arms all on each others back and their eyes closed and that one girl in the middle of the line just scared and crying so much came on....wow....it grabbed all of my attention at that moment. I sat down and didn't move myself away from the news reports until much later in the day.
Tears streamed down my face as the report came in that yes, little children were shot and killed in that school. 20 little babies. Children. What? No, we don't do that in our country. They must have it wrong. They will find out the reports were wrong and let us know. It didn't happen that way. It now appears that the news reports sorta built us up to that dreadful final death toll. Easing us in to the reality of what did just take place in a little small safe community here in our country.
My heart hurt. My chest physically ached and my stomach felt sick. As a mother, as a citizen, as someone who believes that we are still the best country there is, I couldn't wrap my mind around that unimaginable thing just happened there.
My mind thought about my own son's. I thought about as an Army Mom as much we don't say it, we all live with knowing that every day our son is in harms way. Everyday I know I could lose him. It is just how we live now. It is the choice he made. He is doing what he wants to do. He is in harms way, but yet he is armed, he is trained, he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. If anything ever ever ever was to happen to him, I would be completely beside myself....but it would be such a different feeling than what those mothers are going thru right now in CT. Their babies were doing what they wanted to do also....they probably skipped and laughed and joked all the way to school that morning. That age loves school! They wanted to be there. No one ever EVER thinks while dropping their child off at school that they won't be alive when school is released later that day. That is what I kept thinking all day....as an Army Mom I have that thought....but as a mom of a kindergarten student I never did. I realize that folks say you can't think of the worst happening even to our Soldiers. I get that and I agree. But my point is in seeing the difference in how some parents have those thoughts of loss come to them and try to deal with them and wonder how we would react and how we would feel...we prepare for the worst knowing and praying that it will never happen. Those mothers that morning the worst thing they had in their mind was maybe their child would be pushed down on the play ground or something....not what happened.
I continue to watch the news. I will continue to hear the stories of those that were taken from us that day. I do this not to welcome the sadness, but to honor and respect the loss of lives. If it were my child, I would want you all to see their faces, see the people that they were....it is the least I can do. \
I don't know what each one of us can do to prevent this from ever happening again, but I hope we figure it out soon. No parent should ever have to bury their child. No family should ever have to go thru that pain.
Do something good. Do something positive. Share a smile. Share something somehow....let's all do something in a way that honors the lives lost. Work at making this world the place that those little children believed it was.
Much love to you all, your Soldiers, and your families at this time.
Faith.
Tears streamed down my face as the report came in that yes, little children were shot and killed in that school. 20 little babies. Children. What? No, we don't do that in our country. They must have it wrong. They will find out the reports were wrong and let us know. It didn't happen that way. It now appears that the news reports sorta built us up to that dreadful final death toll. Easing us in to the reality of what did just take place in a little small safe community here in our country.
My heart hurt. My chest physically ached and my stomach felt sick. As a mother, as a citizen, as someone who believes that we are still the best country there is, I couldn't wrap my mind around that unimaginable thing just happened there.
My mind thought about my own son's. I thought about as an Army Mom as much we don't say it, we all live with knowing that every day our son is in harms way. Everyday I know I could lose him. It is just how we live now. It is the choice he made. He is doing what he wants to do. He is in harms way, but yet he is armed, he is trained, he is doing what he is supposed to be doing. If anything ever ever ever was to happen to him, I would be completely beside myself....but it would be such a different feeling than what those mothers are going thru right now in CT. Their babies were doing what they wanted to do also....they probably skipped and laughed and joked all the way to school that morning. That age loves school! They wanted to be there. No one ever EVER thinks while dropping their child off at school that they won't be alive when school is released later that day. That is what I kept thinking all day....as an Army Mom I have that thought....but as a mom of a kindergarten student I never did. I realize that folks say you can't think of the worst happening even to our Soldiers. I get that and I agree. But my point is in seeing the difference in how some parents have those thoughts of loss come to them and try to deal with them and wonder how we would react and how we would feel...we prepare for the worst knowing and praying that it will never happen. Those mothers that morning the worst thing they had in their mind was maybe their child would be pushed down on the play ground or something....not what happened.
I continue to watch the news. I will continue to hear the stories of those that were taken from us that day. I do this not to welcome the sadness, but to honor and respect the loss of lives. If it were my child, I would want you all to see their faces, see the people that they were....it is the least I can do. \
I don't know what each one of us can do to prevent this from ever happening again, but I hope we figure it out soon. No parent should ever have to bury their child. No family should ever have to go thru that pain.
Do something good. Do something positive. Share a smile. Share something somehow....let's all do something in a way that honors the lives lost. Work at making this world the place that those little children believed it was.
Much love to you all, your Soldiers, and your families at this time.
Faith.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
A Hero and A Holiday
Here I am plugging at it still. Today my count is up to "day 17". I remember thinking I couldn't get thru one day of knowing he was in a war zone and here we are going on nearly 3 weeks now. I have been very fortunate to have fairly regular contact with him. I went three days without having us catch each other, but I was able to know thru his buddies with him that everything was okay and that it was just a matter of timing.
Our town welcomed home a Hero on Day 10. Our family has known this great young lady since she was a baby. She graduated from high school with our oldest son in 2007. Back this past June she was injured while serving in Afghanistan. Her unit suffered 3 loss of lives and several others injured. Helaina being one of the severely injured. It was with great pleasure that my husband and I participated in the convey that brought her across into our Town line. The Firetruck he was driving was decorated with a Flag that had an attached yellow ribbon on it. That yellow ribbon was made for me by my mother in law the week or so before Jake left. To me that flag, that ribbon, and that truck was us honoring our local Hero as well as honoring our own deployed Soldier.
Our town welcomed home a Hero on Day 10. Our family has known this great young lady since she was a baby. She graduated from high school with our oldest son in 2007. Back this past June she was injured while serving in Afghanistan. Her unit suffered 3 loss of lives and several others injured. Helaina being one of the severely injured. It was with great pleasure that my husband and I participated in the convey that brought her across into our Town line. The Firetruck he was driving was decorated with a Flag that had an attached yellow ribbon on it. That yellow ribbon was made for me by my mother in law the week or so before Jake left. To me that flag, that ribbon, and that truck was us honoring our local Hero as well as honoring our own deployed Soldier.
The day was filled with lots of emotions. I certainly haven't had to go thru what her family has gone thru, but I understand the excitement that they must have woke up with that morning. Her family was my first thought as the day began. They were bringing daughter home. Their child would be back in their house that night. Wow! Injured or not, that is something very hard to explain to those who aren't part of a military family.
My mind kept thinking all day how lucky our town was that she was being welcomed back home alive. I have watched way too many videos on YouTube of Soldiers who have huge parades and homecomings as their bodies are brought home to their families.
My thoughts would jump ahead and wonder how we would welcome our Soldier home. I kept thinking what if. What if it was him who got hurt. What if it was him that had under gone numerous surgeries and many more to go? What if he was being welcomed home like those in the YouTube videos? Lots of emotions ran thru me for sure all day long.
When I hugged her, I did so twice. I told her once was for her and once was for my own Soldier. She spoke softly in my ear, "I am keeping him in my thoughts." This beautiful young wounded Soldier just told me that she was thinking of my son. I know it shouldn't surprise me, cause all Soldiers look out for one another, but to hear her say that even in her days of struggle she is taking the time to think of Jake was very incredible. Perhaps that other hug was for my Jake...only it was coming from her and not to her.
Not sure I have much to share about our Thanksgiving Holiday. Our family traditions have changed so much over the recent years that I guess we dont' even have family traditions anymore :( A son joining the Army and parents wintering in Florida have made this Holiday not real big on my list anymore.
I felt confident that he was being fed well. It seems the military only gets press during football games on holidays...we see all the smiling soldiers eating lots and lots of food and we all watch thinking that things are "just fine" over there. Ya well, tell that to the parents of the 4 military personnel that were killed since Nov 18th in Afghanistan. 1 Sailor, 1 Marine and 2 Army Soldiers. It isn't just fine cause it is a Holiday.
So ya, Thanksgiving came and we ate some food and I watched the Macy's parade, but it wasn't the same...by now I usually am all decorated for Christmas. Not this year. I keep having to re-convince myself everyday that I am even going to do it. Holidays are best when shared with those you love....how do you do them when they are so far away from home? I know I need to just make the best of it....I will do it, but sorry, some days I want to whine about it :)
Hoping that you all are doing well and as usual, always sending love to you and your Soldier.
Faith
Monday, November 19, 2012
All The Wondering
Stay busy, stay busy, and stay busy. Yup, great advice, thanks. It really doesn't help! An off and on button for my mind would be much more useful. I can't keep my mind focused long enough to write a simple blog post, fold laundry, or even shower without having it be consumed with questions, wonders, and worries.
Is he cold, is he tired, is he hungry?
Are they on the move, are they moving towards danger, are they being shot at?
Has he already seen something that totally freaked him out?
Is he really as prepared as he needed to be?
We are on Day 9 of this first deployment. I was very fortunate to have contact with him several times during the first week. It hasn't been the same on this second week though. I don't go but 2 minutes without looking for the "green dot" on Facebook. I am constantly looking at and picking up my phone. I went outside today for barely a minute without my phone and when I discovered that I had left it inside I nearly got sick. It shook me up stupidly! What if he had called though during that time? What if I had missed him for who knows how long? Well course he hadn't.
I still don't know that I will be able to offer any real constructive positive ways to survive a deployment of your child. I have made it to nearly double digit days though :) One step at a time I guess.
Love and support to you, your family, and your Soldier.
Faith
Is he cold, is he tired, is he hungry?
Are they on the move, are they moving towards danger, are they being shot at?
Has he already seen something that totally freaked him out?
Is he really as prepared as he needed to be?
We are on Day 9 of this first deployment. I was very fortunate to have contact with him several times during the first week. It hasn't been the same on this second week though. I don't go but 2 minutes without looking for the "green dot" on Facebook. I am constantly looking at and picking up my phone. I went outside today for barely a minute without my phone and when I discovered that I had left it inside I nearly got sick. It shook me up stupidly! What if he had called though during that time? What if I had missed him for who knows how long? Well course he hadn't.
I still don't know that I will be able to offer any real constructive positive ways to survive a deployment of your child. I have made it to nearly double digit days though :) One step at a time I guess.
Love and support to you, your family, and your Soldier.
Faith
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
It Is Real
My phone rang in the early hours of the morning today. 4am. On the other end of a muffled noisy line was my Soldier :) It ranked up there as being as awesome as his first call home while at boot camp. I had been able to sort of follow him the last few days via his buddies on Facebook, but having contact directly from him was a super sweet deal.
The call was brief. It confirmed that an odd feeling I had been having all day was right. I told my husband that I felt during the day that our son was traveling again. All day I had this nagging tug in me that was saying "he is on the move". I just knew it. I don't know how, but I did. When he called he confirmed that they in deed moved from the Mana's Transit Center to their current location in Afghanistan. He still isn't at his final destination, but he is now in Afghanistan.
Wow. Yup, he is now in Afghanistan. That is all I could think of when I hung up. Thought of it enough so that it made me feel sick. There really are no words to describe the sinking feeling that a Mother feels when it is confirmed that her baby is in a war zone. It is real.
His day to day care is out of my hands. It has been for several years. I have come to know this and I have come to accept it. To this point I have known that his day to day care was in his own hands. He has gotten himself up, he has done his own laundry, he has been responsible for his own actions during each day. I don't pretend to be a die hard bible thumping Christian. But I do know that from the moment I hung up the phone until the moment I wrap my arms around him again...I will find comfort in knowing that his day to day care is in the hands of God. I am consumed with thoughts of not really caring if his clothes are clean or if he is brushing his teeth...I just want him to arrive home, safe and sound as soon as we can have him back. :)
He has a duty and a mission to do. It is a real mission and he takes all of it very serious. I don't wish him to come back home today...that wouldn't accomplish his mission that he is ready and set to do. I am okay with him there doing his job. I am okay with him there alongside his battle buddies looking out for each other as they accomplish their duties. I am okay with relying on Facebook, an occasional phone call, some Skype, and maybe a hand written letter from him every now and then.
It is real. We will get thru each day as it comes. I will do it the best way I can.
As always, I am sending love and support to you, your family and your Soldiers.
Love, Faith
The call was brief. It confirmed that an odd feeling I had been having all day was right. I told my husband that I felt during the day that our son was traveling again. All day I had this nagging tug in me that was saying "he is on the move". I just knew it. I don't know how, but I did. When he called he confirmed that they in deed moved from the Mana's Transit Center to their current location in Afghanistan. He still isn't at his final destination, but he is now in Afghanistan.
Wow. Yup, he is now in Afghanistan. That is all I could think of when I hung up. Thought of it enough so that it made me feel sick. There really are no words to describe the sinking feeling that a Mother feels when it is confirmed that her baby is in a war zone. It is real.
His day to day care is out of my hands. It has been for several years. I have come to know this and I have come to accept it. To this point I have known that his day to day care was in his own hands. He has gotten himself up, he has done his own laundry, he has been responsible for his own actions during each day. I don't pretend to be a die hard bible thumping Christian. But I do know that from the moment I hung up the phone until the moment I wrap my arms around him again...I will find comfort in knowing that his day to day care is in the hands of God. I am consumed with thoughts of not really caring if his clothes are clean or if he is brushing his teeth...I just want him to arrive home, safe and sound as soon as we can have him back. :)
He has a duty and a mission to do. It is a real mission and he takes all of it very serious. I don't wish him to come back home today...that wouldn't accomplish his mission that he is ready and set to do. I am okay with him there doing his job. I am okay with him there alongside his battle buddies looking out for each other as they accomplish their duties. I am okay with relying on Facebook, an occasional phone call, some Skype, and maybe a hand written letter from him every now and then.
It is real. We will get thru each day as it comes. I will do it the best way I can.
As always, I am sending love and support to you, your family and your Soldiers.
Love, Faith
Some helpful Holiday Links
Since my Soldier will be gone for all the big major Holidays I have been paying extra attention to any programs, links, and resources that you may find helpful for you and/or your Soldier. I welcome hearing about others that you use.
http://uso.rocketlifeproduction.com/
How It Works
1. Fill out the form to get your promo code and a link to launch the RocketLife software.
2. Load your pictures and see them transformed into amazing layouts.
3. Customize every detail or let RocketLife’s Smart Arrangement™ technology do it for you.
4. If desired, copy your book design to posters, puzzles, mugs, cards, calendars, and more.
5. Enter your code at checkout to get your free photo book. (Any additional purchases benefit the work of the USO.)
This is a free picture handbook that you can create and will be ordered and shipped for free to any Soldier with an APO/FPO/MPO address!
This is a link to a site that offers a location for you to send an online Holiday greeting to your Soldier.
I encourage everyone to contact their local VFW, Amvets, or American Legion to see what programs that is happening your own local area. The mailing of cards, care packages, Trees for Troops, and food baskets for local Veterans are all programs that can always use extra hands to help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)