A Hero and A Holiday

Here I am plugging at it still.  Today my count is up to "day 17".  I remember thinking I couldn't get thru one day of knowing he was in a war zone and here we are going on nearly 3 weeks now.  I have been very fortunate to have fairly regular contact with him.  I went three days without having us catch each other, but I was able to know thru his buddies with him that everything was okay and that it was just a matter of timing. 

Our town welcomed home a Hero on Day 10.  Our family has known this great young lady since she was a baby.  She graduated from high school with our oldest son in 2007.  Back this past June she was injured while serving in Afghanistan.  Her unit suffered 3 loss of lives and several others injured.  Helaina being one of the severely injured.   It was with great pleasure that my husband and I participated in the convey that brought her across into our Town line.  The Firetruck he was driving was decorated with a Flag that had an attached yellow ribbon on it.  That yellow ribbon was made for me by my mother in law the week or so before Jake left.  To me that flag, that ribbon, and that truck was us honoring our local Hero as well as honoring our own deployed Soldier. 

The day was filled with lots of emotions.   I certainly haven't had to go thru what her family has gone thru, but I understand the excitement that they must have woke up with that morning.  Her family was my first thought as the day began.  They were bringing daughter home.  Their child would be back in their house that night.  Wow!  Injured or not, that is something very hard to explain to those who aren't part of a military family.  

My mind kept thinking all day how lucky our town was that she was being welcomed back home alive.  I have watched way too many videos on YouTube of Soldiers who have huge parades and homecomings as their bodies are brought home to their families.   

My thoughts would jump ahead and wonder how we would welcome our Soldier home.  I kept thinking what if.  What if it was him who got hurt.  What if it was him that had under gone numerous surgeries and many more to go?  What if he was being welcomed home like those in the YouTube videos?  Lots of emotions ran thru me for sure all day long.  

When I hugged her, I did so twice.  I told her once was for her and once was for my own Soldier.  She spoke softly in my ear, "I am keeping him in my thoughts."  This beautiful young wounded Soldier just told me that she was thinking of my son.  I know it shouldn't surprise me, cause all Soldiers look out for one another, but to hear her say that even in her days of struggle she is taking the time to think of Jake was very incredible.  Perhaps that other hug was for my Jake...only it was coming from her and not to her.  

Not sure I have much to share about our Thanksgiving Holiday.  Our family traditions have changed so much over the recent years that I guess we dont' even have family traditions anymore :(   A son joining the Army and parents wintering in Florida have made this Holiday not real big on my list anymore.   

I felt confident that he was being fed well.  It seems the military only gets press during football games on holidays...we see all the smiling soldiers eating lots and lots of food and we all watch thinking that things are "just fine" over there.  Ya well, tell that to the parents of the 4 military personnel that were killed since Nov 18th in Afghanistan.  1 Sailor, 1 Marine and 2 Army Soldiers.  It isn't just fine cause it is a Holiday.  

So ya, Thanksgiving came and we ate some food and I watched the Macy's parade, but it wasn't the same...by now I usually am all decorated for Christmas.  Not this year.  I keep having to re-convince myself everyday that I am even going to do it.  Holidays are best when shared with those you love....how do you do them when they are so far away from home?  I know I need to just make the best of it....I will do it, but sorry, some days I want to whine about it :)  

Hoping that you all are doing well and as usual, always sending love to you and your Soldier.

Faith

All The Wondering

Stay busy, stay busy, and stay busy.  Yup, great advice, thanks.  It really doesn't help!  An off and on button for my mind would be much more useful.  I can't keep my mind focused long enough to write a simple blog post, fold laundry, or even shower without having it be consumed with questions, wonders, and worries. 

Is he cold, is he tired, is he hungry?
Are they on the move, are they moving towards danger, are they being shot at?
Has he already seen something that totally freaked him out?
Is he really as prepared as he needed to be?

We are on Day 9 of this first deployment.  I was very fortunate to have contact with him several times during the first week.  It hasn't been the same on this second week though.  I don't go but 2 minutes without looking for the "green dot" on Facebook.  I am constantly looking at and picking up my phone.  I went outside today for barely a minute without my phone and when I discovered that I had left it inside I nearly got sick.  It shook me up stupidly!  What if he had called though during that time?  What if I had missed him for who knows how long?  Well course he hadn't. 

I still don't know that I will be able to offer any real constructive positive ways to survive a deployment of your child.  I have made it to nearly double digit days though :)  One step at a time I guess. 

Love and support to you, your family, and your Soldier.
Faith

It Is Real

My phone rang in the early hours of the morning today.  4am.  On the other end of a muffled noisy line was my Soldier :)   It ranked up there as being as awesome as his first call home while at boot camp.  I had been able to sort of follow him the last few days via his buddies on Facebook, but having contact directly from him was a super sweet deal.

The call was brief.  It confirmed that an odd feeling I had been having all day was right.  I told my husband that I felt during the day that our son was traveling again.  All day I had this nagging tug in me that was saying "he is on the move".  I just knew it.  I don't know how, but I did.  When he called he confirmed that they in deed moved from the Mana's Transit Center to their current location in Afghanistan.  He still isn't at his final destination, but he is now in Afghanistan. 

Wow.  Yup, he is now in Afghanistan.  That is all I could think of when I hung up.  Thought of it enough so that it made me feel sick.  There really are no words to describe the sinking feeling that a Mother feels when it is confirmed that her baby is in a war zone.  It is real.

His day to day care is out of my hands.  It has been for several years.  I have come to know this and I have come to accept it.  To this point I have known that his day to day care was in his own hands.  He has gotten himself up, he has done his own laundry, he has been responsible for his own actions during each day.  I don't pretend to be a die hard bible thumping Christian.  But I do know that from the moment I hung up the phone until the moment I wrap my arms around him again...I will find comfort in knowing that his day to day care is in the hands of God.  I am consumed with thoughts of not really caring if his clothes are clean or if he is brushing his teeth...I just want him to arrive home, safe and sound as soon as we can have him back.  :)

He has a duty and a mission to do.  It is a real mission and he takes all of it very serious.  I don't wish him to come back home today...that wouldn't accomplish his mission that he is ready and set to do.  I am okay with him there doing his job.  I am okay with him there alongside his battle buddies looking out for each other as they accomplish their duties.  I am okay with relying on Facebook, an occasional phone call, some Skype, and maybe a hand written letter from him every now and then. 

It is real.  We will get thru each day as it comes.  I will do it the best way I can. 
As always, I am sending love and support to you, your family and your Soldiers. 
Love, Faith

Some helpful Holiday Links

Since my Soldier will be gone for all the big major Holidays I have been paying extra attention to any programs, links, and resources that you may find helpful for you and/or your Soldier.  I welcome hearing about others that you use. 

http://uso.rocketlifeproduction.com/

How It Works

1. Fill out the form to get your promo code and a link to launch the RocketLife software.

2. Load your pictures and see them transformed into amazing layouts.

3. Customize every detail or let RocketLife’s Smart Arrangement™ technology do it for you.

4. If desired, copy your book design to posters, puzzles, mugs, cards, calendars, and more.

5. Enter your code at checkout to get your free photo book. (Any additional purchases benefit the work of the USO.)

This is a free picture handbook that you can create and will be ordered and shipped for free to any Soldier with an APO/FPO/MPO address!

http://holidaymessages.stripes.osd.mil/ 

This is a link to a site that offers a location for you to send an online Holiday greeting to your Soldier.  

I encourage everyone to contact their local VFW, Amvets, or American Legion to see what programs that is happening your own local area.  The mailing of cards, care packages, Trees for Troops, and food baskets for local Veterans are all programs that can always use extra hands to help.

 

Day 3

My laundry is done.  My dishes are done.  My bathrooms are cleaned.  My floors vacuumed. My supper is done.   Ugh.  All that done before Noon.  Going to be a long day.  This "try to stay busy" stuff makes for a clean yummy smelling house, but there is only so much cleaning I really want to do :)

I am pretty tired.  I haven't done well with sleeping when it is my time to sleep.  A fellow Army Mom cautioned me that we can't stay up during our daytime and theirs over there.   If I had made it a few more hours last night though, I would have been on the computer when he sent me a message.  It was a nice surprise this morning to wake up to though. 

I so far have been really lucky that his buddies have posted a few pics and a few status updates on Facebook.  They are currently in a "hold over" transit center.  I am anticipating some time while they are all en route that I won't have that luxury of updates and pics. 

Just having him at the early stages of the deployment has created such constant thoughts that seem to pop up on the back burners in my mind steady.  In just 3 days I can already look at our time and instantly convert it to what time it is for him. 

I think I am doing okay though :)  I had visions of not even functioning....lol and hek my house hasn't been this clean in ages, so guess I ain't doing too bad! 

Catch ya later with more thoughts....
Love,
Faith

On His Way

This particular post has been started and erased at least 15 times.  Very strange to have a mind and heart so full of emotions but not able to find words to discuss them.   My anticipation for the day that he left for deployment had been building and building for some time.   We said our "see ya next year" the week before at the Airport, but yet right up til that day we told him we would make it down there before he left if he changed his mind about wanting us down there.  As torn as I was about his choice to not have us there, he was most likely very right in saying that it would have been just too hard at the time.  It took all the strength from my big toe to the top of my head that is in my body to not completely fall apart while on the phone with him as he was preparing to leave.   I didn't get as upset as I thought I might and I hope that I didn't get as upset as he thought I might.  I shared with him that I didn't have any big major thing to say to him that I hadn't already said.  I told him that he didn't have to accomplish any great mission while over there to be a Hero cause he was already one of those in my eyes.  And lastly I told him that I loved him so much more than he can possibly ever imagine. 
We shared a few chuckles about silly stupid things like Jake and I always do.  Even though he was many miles away and I couldn't see his face, I could tell that his own anticipation and certain amount of anxiety was growing in him.   That was really tough.  As a Mother my job is to comfort him, build him up, and protect him...how in hek do I do that over the phone as he is preparing to leave for a war zone?!  Not sure that I did it, but I sure gave it my best shot. 

I went to bed that night with so many thoughts in my mind.  For the first time my baby would be not in the same country as me.  I had dealt with the whole different state thing back during boot camp....but out of our Country?  No.  That I had not come to grips with.  I still haven't. 
For the first time my baby would be in a place where I could not get to him.   No matter what state he had been to since joining the Army his father and I had been to see him.  That is no longer an option.  My baby will lay his eyes on things and places that I will never see.  Never before did I spend the night worrying so much as I did that night on whether I had done enough "mothering".   Is he ready?   Did I give him enough support?  Have I helped him become strong enough to do this?  And the biggest worry...no matter where he is will he know that he isn't alone? 

When I awoke I discovered that he was in a country that I had never even known existed.  Couldn't pronounce it, let alone begin to spell it! 

So I am on Day 2...still very uneasy about these same worries.  I don't know how I will get thru all the days ahead.  One thing is for certain though, I will get thru them...and when this deployment is done I will have the ability to look back and have some answers :) 

In the meantime, I look forward to sharing the journey with you all who take the time to read my posts.  I have been so touched over the last few days by how many from my Facebook fan page have typed messages of support.  The Army Family is a strong one.  I am so proud to be a part of it. 

Lots of love to you, your family, and your Soldier.
((hugs))  Faith

Staying strong

The visit has come and past.  One of the things I love the most about having him home is that as soon as he lands here it feels like he has never left.  I always hope that it will continue that way.  The visit wasn't filled with plans every day, it wasn't filled with agenda's, it was filled with just letting him be him.  It was filled with me loving him being him.

We had to do the required legal "stuff".  I got the uncomfortable questions out of the way his very first night home.  My wish was to get it all done immediately so that we wouldn't be dealing with such sad dreadful issues near the end of his visit.  It felt strange to me that we are constantly told to stay strong.  Focus on all the good and positive thoughts only.  Yet here we are talking about wills, burial plots, power of attorney's and his survival with our 20 year old son.  We did it, it is done, we stayed strong.  

My oldest son works for a tree removal company.  With the arrival of Hurricane Sandy it created a bit of a wrinkle.  My oldest son called me mid week and told me he was headed within the hour to New York and would be gone for up to 2 weeks.  That meant that I wouldn't have any more time this visit with having both my boys together.  Boom.  That hit me hard.  I rushed with our Soldier to a parking lot where his brother promised he wouldn't leave until we got there.  I stood and watched my boys say "cya later".  I won't share their actual words exchanged because that should be kept private between them, but I will share that it was a sight that as a Mother filled me with such pride and overwhelming sadness all at once.   "See ya next year."  Since it is November, next year isn't that far away...but in this case "next year" is what seems like a lifetime away.

I had waited a bit before I had planned his going away party.  So course it was fitting that it wasn't planned until the day before he left.  I am not a last minute person, but in this case it felt right making it delayed as long as possible.  To say that we had a nice turn out would be putting it mildly.  I was and still am so amazed at the amount of people who came to wish him well.  Friends and family filled the garage all afternoon.  Lots of food was brought in.  Lots of pictures were taken.  It was a happy gathering.  I had kept wondering how I would get thru such an event.  As it turns out the old saying about being stronger than we think for is really true. 

I am an only child and my husbands one brother and one sister isn't close with my two boys.  Yet on this day I looked around the building and realized that my Soldier had many Uncle and Aunt figures there supporting him.  My husband and I are surrounded with an incredible core group of friends that have adopted our Soldier as their own nephew.  Family isn't about blood.  Family is about love.

That afternoon of the party one of my friends who has been thru sending a son off to war repeated to me several times, "You will be strong for him in the morning because he needs you to be."  I kept saying and thinking that I just didn't know how I could be.  I doubted myself and my ability to physically release my arms from his neck and turn and walk away.  She kept reassuring me that I would in fact do it.

I don't feel just yet today that I can fully express my feelings and that morning of the "drop off" at the airport.  I can tell you though that I am proud of myself for staying much stronger than I had thought I would.  My friend was right, I did it because it was the best option for him.  I did shed a few tears, but I didn't fall completely apart like I had once thought I might!  As a Mother I made the choice to do what he needed. 

Army Mom Strong isn't just a slogan for me. 

I have missed my blog.  I will keep sharing.  I thank you for supporting me in the many messages and well wishes that I have received.  The journey is just beginning and I am very thankful for having you all along for it.  :)

Love, Faith