On His Way

This particular post has been started and erased at least 15 times.  Very strange to have a mind and heart so full of emotions but not able to find words to discuss them.   My anticipation for the day that he left for deployment had been building and building for some time.   We said our "see ya next year" the week before at the Airport, but yet right up til that day we told him we would make it down there before he left if he changed his mind about wanting us down there.  As torn as I was about his choice to not have us there, he was most likely very right in saying that it would have been just too hard at the time.  It took all the strength from my big toe to the top of my head that is in my body to not completely fall apart while on the phone with him as he was preparing to leave.   I didn't get as upset as I thought I might and I hope that I didn't get as upset as he thought I might.  I shared with him that I didn't have any big major thing to say to him that I hadn't already said.  I told him that he didn't have to accomplish any great mission while over there to be a Hero cause he was already one of those in my eyes.  And lastly I told him that I loved him so much more than he can possibly ever imagine. 
We shared a few chuckles about silly stupid things like Jake and I always do.  Even though he was many miles away and I couldn't see his face, I could tell that his own anticipation and certain amount of anxiety was growing in him.   That was really tough.  As a Mother my job is to comfort him, build him up, and protect him...how in hek do I do that over the phone as he is preparing to leave for a war zone?!  Not sure that I did it, but I sure gave it my best shot. 

I went to bed that night with so many thoughts in my mind.  For the first time my baby would be not in the same country as me.  I had dealt with the whole different state thing back during boot camp....but out of our Country?  No.  That I had not come to grips with.  I still haven't. 
For the first time my baby would be in a place where I could not get to him.   No matter what state he had been to since joining the Army his father and I had been to see him.  That is no longer an option.  My baby will lay his eyes on things and places that I will never see.  Never before did I spend the night worrying so much as I did that night on whether I had done enough "mothering".   Is he ready?   Did I give him enough support?  Have I helped him become strong enough to do this?  And the biggest worry...no matter where he is will he know that he isn't alone? 

When I awoke I discovered that he was in a country that I had never even known existed.  Couldn't pronounce it, let alone begin to spell it! 

So I am on Day 2...still very uneasy about these same worries.  I don't know how I will get thru all the days ahead.  One thing is for certain though, I will get thru them...and when this deployment is done I will have the ability to look back and have some answers :) 

In the meantime, I look forward to sharing the journey with you all who take the time to read my posts.  I have been so touched over the last few days by how many from my Facebook fan page have typed messages of support.  The Army Family is a strong one.  I am so proud to be a part of it. 

Lots of love to you, your family, and your Soldier.
((hugs))  Faith