This particular post has been started and erased at least 15 times. Very strange to have a mind and heart so full of emotions but not able to find words to discuss them. My anticipation for the day that he left for deployment had been building and building for some time. We said our "see ya next year" the week before at the Airport, but yet right up til that day we told him we would make it down there before he left if he changed his mind about wanting us down there. As torn as I was about his choice to not have us there, he was most likely very right in saying that it would have been just too hard at the time. It took all the strength from my big toe to the top of my head that is in my body to not completely fall apart while on the phone with him as he was preparing to leave. I didn't get as upset as I thought I might and I hope that I didn't get as upset as he thought I might. I shared with him that I didn't have any big major thing to say to him that I hadn't already said. I told him that he didn't have to accomplish any great mission while over there to be a Hero cause he was already one of those in my eyes. And lastly I told him that I loved him so much more than he can possibly ever imagine.
We shared a few chuckles about silly stupid things like Jake and I always do. Even though he was many miles away and I couldn't see his face, I could tell that his own anticipation and certain amount of anxiety was growing in him. That was really tough. As a Mother my job is to comfort him, build him up, and protect him...how in hek do I do that over the phone as he is preparing to leave for a war zone?! Not sure that I did it, but I sure gave it my best shot.
I went to bed that night with so many thoughts in my mind. For the first time my baby would be not in the same country as me. I had dealt with the whole different state thing back during boot camp....but out of our Country? No. That I had not come to grips with. I still haven't.
For the first time my baby would be in a place where I could not get to him. No matter what state he had been to since joining the Army his father and I had been to see him. That is no longer an option. My baby will lay his eyes on things and places that I will never see. Never before did I spend the night worrying so much as I did that night on whether I had done enough "mothering". Is he ready? Did I give him enough support? Have I helped him become strong enough to do this? And the biggest worry...no matter where he is will he know that he isn't alone?
When I awoke I discovered that he was in a country that I had never even known existed. Couldn't pronounce it, let alone begin to spell it!
So I am on Day 2...still very uneasy about these same worries. I don't know how I will get thru all the days ahead. One thing is for certain though, I will get thru them...and when this deployment is done I will have the ability to look back and have some answers :)
In the meantime, I look forward to sharing the journey with you all who take the time to read my posts. I have been so touched over the last few days by how many from my Facebook fan page have typed messages of support. The Army Family is a strong one. I am so proud to be a part of it.
Lots of love to you, your family, and your Soldier.
((hugs)) Faith
Monday, November 12, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Staying strong
The visit has come and past. One of the things I love the most about having him home is that as soon as he lands here it feels like he has never left. I always hope that it will continue that way. The visit wasn't filled with plans every day, it wasn't filled with agenda's, it was filled with just letting him be him. It was filled with me loving him being him.
We had to do the required legal "stuff". I got the uncomfortable questions out of the way his very first night home. My wish was to get it all done immediately so that we wouldn't be dealing with such sad dreadful issues near the end of his visit. It felt strange to me that we are constantly told to stay strong. Focus on all the good and positive thoughts only. Yet here we are talking about wills, burial plots, power of attorney's and his survival with our 20 year old son. We did it, it is done, we stayed strong.
My oldest son works for a tree removal company. With the arrival of Hurricane Sandy it created a bit of a wrinkle. My oldest son called me mid week and told me he was headed within the hour to New York and would be gone for up to 2 weeks. That meant that I wouldn't have any more time this visit with having both my boys together. Boom. That hit me hard. I rushed with our Soldier to a parking lot where his brother promised he wouldn't leave until we got there. I stood and watched my boys say "cya later". I won't share their actual words exchanged because that should be kept private between them, but I will share that it was a sight that as a Mother filled me with such pride and overwhelming sadness all at once. "See ya next year." Since it is November, next year isn't that far away...but in this case "next year" is what seems like a lifetime away.
I had waited a bit before I had planned his going away party. So course it was fitting that it wasn't planned until the day before he left. I am not a last minute person, but in this case it felt right making it delayed as long as possible. To say that we had a nice turn out would be putting it mildly. I was and still am so amazed at the amount of people who came to wish him well. Friends and family filled the garage all afternoon. Lots of food was brought in. Lots of pictures were taken. It was a happy gathering. I had kept wondering how I would get thru such an event. As it turns out the old saying about being stronger than we think for is really true.
I am an only child and my husbands one brother and one sister isn't close with my two boys. Yet on this day I looked around the building and realized that my Soldier had many Uncle and Aunt figures there supporting him. My husband and I are surrounded with an incredible core group of friends that have adopted our Soldier as their own nephew. Family isn't about blood. Family is about love.
That afternoon of the party one of my friends who has been thru sending a son off to war repeated to me several times, "You will be strong for him in the morning because he needs you to be." I kept saying and thinking that I just didn't know how I could be. I doubted myself and my ability to physically release my arms from his neck and turn and walk away. She kept reassuring me that I would in fact do it.
I don't feel just yet today that I can fully express my feelings and that morning of the "drop off" at the airport. I can tell you though that I am proud of myself for staying much stronger than I had thought I would. My friend was right, I did it because it was the best option for him. I did shed a few tears, but I didn't fall completely apart like I had once thought I might! As a Mother I made the choice to do what he needed.
Army Mom Strong isn't just a slogan for me.
I have missed my blog. I will keep sharing. I thank you for supporting me in the many messages and well wishes that I have received. The journey is just beginning and I am very thankful for having you all along for it. :)
Love, Faith
We had to do the required legal "stuff". I got the uncomfortable questions out of the way his very first night home. My wish was to get it all done immediately so that we wouldn't be dealing with such sad dreadful issues near the end of his visit. It felt strange to me that we are constantly told to stay strong. Focus on all the good and positive thoughts only. Yet here we are talking about wills, burial plots, power of attorney's and his survival with our 20 year old son. We did it, it is done, we stayed strong.
My oldest son works for a tree removal company. With the arrival of Hurricane Sandy it created a bit of a wrinkle. My oldest son called me mid week and told me he was headed within the hour to New York and would be gone for up to 2 weeks. That meant that I wouldn't have any more time this visit with having both my boys together. Boom. That hit me hard. I rushed with our Soldier to a parking lot where his brother promised he wouldn't leave until we got there. I stood and watched my boys say "cya later". I won't share their actual words exchanged because that should be kept private between them, but I will share that it was a sight that as a Mother filled me with such pride and overwhelming sadness all at once. "See ya next year." Since it is November, next year isn't that far away...but in this case "next year" is what seems like a lifetime away.
I had waited a bit before I had planned his going away party. So course it was fitting that it wasn't planned until the day before he left. I am not a last minute person, but in this case it felt right making it delayed as long as possible. To say that we had a nice turn out would be putting it mildly. I was and still am so amazed at the amount of people who came to wish him well. Friends and family filled the garage all afternoon. Lots of food was brought in. Lots of pictures were taken. It was a happy gathering. I had kept wondering how I would get thru such an event. As it turns out the old saying about being stronger than we think for is really true.
I am an only child and my husbands one brother and one sister isn't close with my two boys. Yet on this day I looked around the building and realized that my Soldier had many Uncle and Aunt figures there supporting him. My husband and I are surrounded with an incredible core group of friends that have adopted our Soldier as their own nephew. Family isn't about blood. Family is about love.
That afternoon of the party one of my friends who has been thru sending a son off to war repeated to me several times, "You will be strong for him in the morning because he needs you to be." I kept saying and thinking that I just didn't know how I could be. I doubted myself and my ability to physically release my arms from his neck and turn and walk away. She kept reassuring me that I would in fact do it.
I don't feel just yet today that I can fully express my feelings and that morning of the "drop off" at the airport. I can tell you though that I am proud of myself for staying much stronger than I had thought I would. My friend was right, I did it because it was the best option for him. I did shed a few tears, but I didn't fall completely apart like I had once thought I might! As a Mother I made the choice to do what he needed.
Army Mom Strong isn't just a slogan for me.
I have missed my blog. I will keep sharing. I thank you for supporting me in the many messages and well wishes that I have received. The journey is just beginning and I am very thankful for having you all along for it. :)
Love, Faith
Thursday, October 25, 2012
THE Visit
Each visit that Jake has had home since June of 2010 has been filled with great excitement and anticipation. THIS visit comes with excitement, anticipation, and a whole bunch of underlying feelings. The joy of having him home seems to be sharing the spotlight with the buried feelings of worry and dread in me. Each day I know we are getting closer to the big day. Each day I find myself trying to distancing myself from the reality of it.
I have read the "Army Family Deployment Readiness" booklet he brought home. I have had to discuss things with my son that no parent ever wants to talk about with their children. I have done the planning for the big send off party. What I haven't done yet is figure out how in hell I am going to release my arms from his neck when the day arrives.
Maybe I can convince myself he is heading off back to his duty station just like last time. Maybe I can convince myself that he is just down south and that I just can't go see him there for longer than I ever have in the past. Maybe I can convince myself that he is just in his hanger with all his buddies safe and sound all winter long.
Ya, maybe.
I'll let ya know how that goes.
Sending love and support to you, your family, and your Soldier.
Faith
I have read the "Army Family Deployment Readiness" booklet he brought home. I have had to discuss things with my son that no parent ever wants to talk about with their children. I have done the planning for the big send off party. What I haven't done yet is figure out how in hell I am going to release my arms from his neck when the day arrives.
Maybe I can convince myself he is heading off back to his duty station just like last time. Maybe I can convince myself that he is just down south and that I just can't go see him there for longer than I ever have in the past. Maybe I can convince myself that he is just in his hanger with all his buddies safe and sound all winter long.
Ya, maybe.
I'll let ya know how that goes.
Sending love and support to you, your family, and your Soldier.
Faith
Friday, October 12, 2012
No Greater Love
I am a big fan of The Pentagon Channel. Friends and family will sometimes ask me why I watch so many military and news programs. Well this morning program called "No Greater Love" reaffirms why I do. So many of the programs touch me. They touch me as a mother, a wife, as an American...as a person.
This morning I watched a documentary about a couple who enjoyed 67 years of love. Young people who fell in love prior to WWII. They both found themselves in the Army. Spent time apart. He was injured and spent a year and a half at Walter Reed in rehab.
All of you are wondering why this simple story would touch me so. It does so because it reflects so much the story of my own Grandparents. My maternal grandmother to say the least was everything to me. If I could become anyone in this life, it would be her that I would pick. She and my Grandpa fell in love prior to the war beginning. By the time he joined the Army they had started a family. So off he went leaving behind his new bride and young son.
He left one man and came back another. My Grandpa was wounded in a tank explosion while he was serving as a combat medic. He suffered severe life threatening burns over his entire face and head. He was shipped home and spent a great deal of time at Walter Reed and then to another veterans facility in Boston. He underwent numerous skin grafts. He had both of his ears remade.
The story this morning made me stop and really think of just how incredibly hard that must have been for my grandmother as well. Times were so different than. There wasn't skype. There wasn't sending of text messages. She went a long time before she saw my grandfather once he arrived back in the States. She didn't know how her husband was going to look or act when they were reunited. But she loved him. It didn't matter. She was home waiting for him and ready to fulfill the commitment they made to each other.
My Grandpa wouldn't hardly ever ever ever talk about his war memories. I always knew the scars on his face were minor compared to the scars you could see in his eyes at times. He was my Grandpa and I loved him as he was. I can still feel his rough bumpy skin on his cheeks. I kissed his rough cheeks with as much love as I kissed my Grammie's soft wrinkly ones :) I always had these great feelings of pride for him. I knew each scar represented his sacrifice and his commitment to our country.
So anyway, some ask why I watch The Pentagon Channel....well I ask, "Why do you not?"
This morning I watched a documentary about a couple who enjoyed 67 years of love. Young people who fell in love prior to WWII. They both found themselves in the Army. Spent time apart. He was injured and spent a year and a half at Walter Reed in rehab.
All of you are wondering why this simple story would touch me so. It does so because it reflects so much the story of my own Grandparents. My maternal grandmother to say the least was everything to me. If I could become anyone in this life, it would be her that I would pick. She and my Grandpa fell in love prior to the war beginning. By the time he joined the Army they had started a family. So off he went leaving behind his new bride and young son.
He left one man and came back another. My Grandpa was wounded in a tank explosion while he was serving as a combat medic. He suffered severe life threatening burns over his entire face and head. He was shipped home and spent a great deal of time at Walter Reed and then to another veterans facility in Boston. He underwent numerous skin grafts. He had both of his ears remade.
The story this morning made me stop and really think of just how incredibly hard that must have been for my grandmother as well. Times were so different than. There wasn't skype. There wasn't sending of text messages. She went a long time before she saw my grandfather once he arrived back in the States. She didn't know how her husband was going to look or act when they were reunited. But she loved him. It didn't matter. She was home waiting for him and ready to fulfill the commitment they made to each other.
My Grandpa wouldn't hardly ever ever ever talk about his war memories. I always knew the scars on his face were minor compared to the scars you could see in his eyes at times. He was my Grandpa and I loved him as he was. I can still feel his rough bumpy skin on his cheeks. I kissed his rough cheeks with as much love as I kissed my Grammie's soft wrinkly ones :) I always had these great feelings of pride for him. I knew each scar represented his sacrifice and his commitment to our country.
So anyway, some ask why I watch The Pentagon Channel....well I ask, "Why do you not?"
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Red Cross Holiday Cards For Heroes
Since my own Soldier will be in the sandbox during this upcoming Holiday Season I have already been given much thought on how I can still make it special for him and his unit while there during that time. Having them all receive lots and lots of cards will be something that I will work hard to accomplish here in my own local community.
Below I have copied and pasted the info that comes from the Red Cross on their national campaign for sending holiday cards.
--------------
All holiday greetings should be addressed and sent to:
Holiday Mail for Heroes
P.O. Box 5456
Capitol Heights, MD 20791-5456
The deadline for having cards to the P.O. Box is Friday, December 7th.
Holiday cards received after this date cannot be guaranteed delivery.
Below I have copied and pasted the info that comes from the Red Cross on their national campaign for sending holiday cards.
--------------
Each year the American Red Cross provides assistance to
more than 2 million service members and many of our nation’s 24 million
veterans. We support military families, military and veterans hospitals
and provide emergency communications across the globe. And once a year,
we get the joy of delivering holiday cards to veterans, military
families and active-duty service members at hospitals and installations
around the world.
The cards and
personal messages, sent by tens of thousands of Americans, provide a
welcome “touch of home” for our troops during the holiday season.
Each
year we collect cards between October and early December and then
distribute them at military installations, veterans hospitals, and in
other locations.
Throughout the
year, you can make a difference with a monetary gift to Help Military
Families through the Red Cross. Your donation can help change a military
family’s life. Donate Now.
There
are several ways to be part of the Holiday Mail for Heroes program. In
addition to sending cards on your own, you may want to start making
plans to host card signing parties or card making parties. Here are a
few guidelines to help you on your way:
Card Guidelines:
Every card received will be
screened for hazardous materials by Pitney Bowes and then reviewed by
Red Cross volunteers working around the country.
Please observe the following guidelines to ensure a quick reviewing process:
- Ensure that all cards are signed.
- Use generic salutations such as “Dear Service Member.” Cards addressed to specific individuals can not be delivered through this program.
- Only cards are being accepted. Do not send or include letters.
- Do not include email or home addresses on the cards: the program is not meant to foster pen pal relationships.
- Do not include inserts of any kind, including photos: these items will be removed during the reviewing process.
- Please refrain from choosing cards with glitter or using loose glitter as it can aggravate health issues of ill and injured warriors.
- If you are mailing a large quantity of cards, please bundle them and place them in large mailing envelopes or flat rate postal shipping boxes. Each card does not need its own envelope, as envelopes will be removed from all cards before distribution.
Holiday Mail for Heroes
P.O. Box 5456
Capitol Heights, MD 20791-5456
The deadline for having cards to the P.O. Box is Friday, December 7th.
Holiday cards received after this date cannot be guaranteed delivery.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Getting It Done
The days are clicking away. I finally decided it was time to stop avoiding the obvious...time to make some plans for our Soldiers "going away party." I decided I didn't like that name though....We are having a Wishing Him Well party instead.
I had the opportunity to talk to him last night on the phone. Those calls I cherish especially now since I know they will be few and far between in the coming months. We talk about silly crazy things one minute and then get on a serious subject and then back to a trivial point. I enjoy that with him. He and I have always just gabbed and talked about everything and anything. One of the things that I hope doesn't change.
In my own personal life I have struggled with "avoidance". When things get stressful or I feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut down and avoid everything and anything that I can. I am finding that I am leaning towards that tendency right now. I know I need to fight it, but I don't always do the things that I know I should do :) Who does, right?
I always get done what I need to though. I know my own defense mechanisms and I know how to tell em enough is enough. One part of avoiding things is this blog even. This sorta surprises me some though. I so enjoy the contacts I have made from this blog, but my mind totally relates the blog to his deployment. I created the blog when I found out about the upcoming deployment. Sorta strange that something I started doing to find strength has now been part of what adds to the overwhelming feelings.
As usual, thank you for reading my rants and my posts. Not sure any of this one makes sense, but it is my minds ramblins' of the afternoon. I hope you, your family, and your Soldier are all doing well.
Love and support always,
Faith
I had the opportunity to talk to him last night on the phone. Those calls I cherish especially now since I know they will be few and far between in the coming months. We talk about silly crazy things one minute and then get on a serious subject and then back to a trivial point. I enjoy that with him. He and I have always just gabbed and talked about everything and anything. One of the things that I hope doesn't change.
In my own personal life I have struggled with "avoidance". When things get stressful or I feel overwhelmed, I tend to shut down and avoid everything and anything that I can. I am finding that I am leaning towards that tendency right now. I know I need to fight it, but I don't always do the things that I know I should do :) Who does, right?
I always get done what I need to though. I know my own defense mechanisms and I know how to tell em enough is enough. One part of avoiding things is this blog even. This sorta surprises me some though. I so enjoy the contacts I have made from this blog, but my mind totally relates the blog to his deployment. I created the blog when I found out about the upcoming deployment. Sorta strange that something I started doing to find strength has now been part of what adds to the overwhelming feelings.
As usual, thank you for reading my rants and my posts. Not sure any of this one makes sense, but it is my minds ramblins' of the afternoon. I hope you, your family, and your Soldier are all doing well.
Love and support always,
Faith
Monday, October 1, 2012
A New Month
It has been a week since I posted a blog post. Ugh, sorry. I did it knowingly. I did it stupidly thinking that if I avoided the blog that October and the initial reason I started this blog may not happen. Guess what? October is here anyway. So much for that reasoning. It made much more sense a week ago (hahaha).
I really want him home for his upcoming visit, I really do. What I don't want is for him to leave from this upcoming visit. Phew, having October come around surely made that reality a reality though.
So I am back. My staying away plan didn't amount to crap :) This month is here and I will do the best to get thru this one and all the upcoming ones. They will all be easier with the support that comes from all fellow Army Mom's.
Sending love and support to you, your family, and your Soldier
Faith
October is breast cancer awareness month and I share this image in honor of a special friend of our family who we lost much too early to cancer.
She and her family helped shape our Soldier when he was a young little boy by being his day-care provider.
I really want him home for his upcoming visit, I really do. What I don't want is for him to leave from this upcoming visit. Phew, having October come around surely made that reality a reality though.
So I am back. My staying away plan didn't amount to crap :) This month is here and I will do the best to get thru this one and all the upcoming ones. They will all be easier with the support that comes from all fellow Army Mom's.
Sending love and support to you, your family, and your Soldier
Faith
October is breast cancer awareness month and I share this image in honor of a special friend of our family who we lost much too early to cancer.
She and her family helped shape our Soldier when he was a young little boy by being his day-care provider.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)